Life Without Kitty – Grief Over The Loss Of My Precious Cat

Over a month ago, my beloved 17 year old cat, Kitty, passed away and I am broken into a million pieces.  She was my joy and now my joy is gone. I lived for her. She lived for me. We had the strongest bond. The gentlest and sweetest cat. Smart too. My pretty girl.

When life and people let me down – which has been frequent over the years – she was always there. Lifted my spirits. Never judged me. Showed me unconditional love.

She was such a considerate cat. Never bothered anyone. Brought harmony into the home.

She was so easy to take care of and blended perfectly into my daily routine. I always did her things first. Now all the things I did for her, I no longer do and the house feels so empty without her. The loss of her has hurt so deep inside my core.

I miss my cat so much. What am I going to do without her?

I never expected Kitty to pass away especially when she had been improving. I feel somehow I lost control of the situation that led to her death and have so much guilt over it.

I blame the vet, the coronavirus pandemic, the cruel world, even my sister, but mostly I blame myself. I was responsible for her and she depended on me to make the right decisions for her.

I want a do-over, turn the clock back in time so she can be here with me today.

Right after she died, I was completely falling apart (still am at times) and sobbing to a friend. She said to me, “She is only a pet, how are you going to take it when your mother dies?” I couldn’t believe it coming from someone who has had many cats over the years. I expect that from those who’ve never experienced the bonding, companionship and unconditional love from a cat. For that I would answer, it doesn’t matter is human or animal as depends on the depth of the bond you had.

My cat has been in my family for 17 years, since she was 6 months old. I took over her care for the last 14 years so that in itself is a long enough time. We’ve gone through many ups and downs together so our bond has grown over the years.

She was always there. The best and most loyal friend I could ever have.

A few days after Kitty died, my sister said to me there is a five year old calico cat who looks similar to her that someone is giving away. I got angry. I don’t want a replacement for my cat or a lookalike. I only want her. Let me grieve my cat in peace!

My friend said to me that when one of her cats died she had some illness that she didn’t catch in time because she didn’t know anything about it. So her cat died for a treatable condition. But when another of her cats had the same illness she learned from that experience as was able to get it treated in time. She said that although she couldn’t save the first cat, it made up for it in saving the second cat because she knew what signs to look for.

Is easy to say next time I won’t miss that and be more attentive in recognizing symptoms to take immediate action. But that’s cold comfort. I don’t want a next time because it won’t bring my cat back.

Getting through the painful loss of my cat that I will never be over.

My grief, although not as intense as the first few weeks, has not eased as I daily long and cry for her. When I wake up she is the first thing I think of and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.

I don’t think any loss has hit me as hard as the death of my cat. The deep emotional connection I had with her completely shattered me the moment she died.

They say with every great love there is great loss too. That is what love is when you are completely open to it – doesn’t matter is for a human or an animal.

Kitty’s death has been extremely painful. Probably the most heartbreak I ever experienced in my life. I know I will be mourning her for a long, long time. She meant the world to me.

Even though I’m trying to get through the grief, I will never be over her death. I can’t get the images of her death out of my head so is difficult, at this point, to take solace in all the good years we had together.

I feel she and I were deprived of more time together because it wasn’t her time to die.

Pet loss mourning is filled with mountains of sadness and guilt.

One thing, as part of the grief process, is all the guilt you feel with the shoulda coulda have done. You blame yourself for anything and everything because you were the decision-maker for the pet and they totally depended on you. So you feel you failed them by making the wrong decisions or not having done something in time.

I feel I need the “what caused her death” answer, even it’s an answer that puts me at blame for overlooking and not doing the things in time to help her. I was fully responsible for her care and no one knew her more than me.

I’ve been spending time reading articles about pet loss bereavement and how others are coping with their grief when losing a pet. Some, who have euthanized their cats, have guilt that they put them to sleep too soon or did not do enough for them before putting them to sleep. I’m glad at least I did not have to make that decision because she died peacefully at home on her own terms and that is what I know she would have wanted.

As painful as it was for me to see her die, I wanted to give her every chance to recover.

Kitty was a resilient cat who always bounced back on her feet. I was hoping this time she could have done the same. Just seems was not given the proper treatment she needed in time – that the vet overlooked and I didn’t find out until too late.

Putting together the pieces of the puzzle that led to my cat’s death.

Since last winter, Kitty had been having constipation issues and I took her to the vet for tests. They did an ultrasound and diagnosed her with possible chronic triaditis but this of course could not be confirmed without a biopsy which is a risky procedure for an elderly cat. It was managed for many months and she overall was doing good.

Then over a month before her death she had an episode where she wasn’t properly eating and lost a little weight, then got anemic. She had vomiting episodes as part of her chronic health condition and then – the one and only time – she vomited blood. I immediately called and talked to the vet on the phone. He said maybe it was because she retched a bit too much and to monitor her for 24 hours. He also suggested stomach protectant meds to help. What happened after that is I took her to an emergency vet clinic – since the regular vet was closed for the day – for meds and from there it spiraled into a nightmare involving vets and systems. Another story to tell. All I can say is vets never properly diagnosed my cat or really understood her test results. As usual needed a biopsy to confirm anything for sure.

In any case, she got over her inflammatory episode and I took her to a holistic vet instead for alternative treatment. The chinese herb Wei Ling Tang was prescribed for her supposed triaditis combined with acupuncture treatments. I had added probiotics to her diet amongst other nutritional supplements I was already giving. It was helping her to get back on track as her anemia was improving and was acting more like her old self.

Then came that day she vomited a few times and stopped eating. She otherwise was doing and behaving as normal. Not lethargic or sickly. I took her to the vet and, in trying to figure out why not eating, she gave a anti-nausea med, sub q fluids, even acupuncture, but it didn’t help. Took her again to the vet and she gave her antibiotics in case there was an infection plus a potassium supplement as was concerned about her electrolytes. Then the next day I picked up another med from the vet to give but nothing was helping and by evening she had worsened.

I was planning to take her to the vet in the morning but she passed away during the night. When I went to check on her she was taking her last breath. It was horrible to watch her die and there was nothing I could do for her as was too late. All this time she still wouldn’t eat on her own, and I had to syringe feed her, but she was drinking fine.

I just don’t understand what happened and this is what is torturing me because she wasn’t dying but died.

My cat died during the covid 19 pandemic when life was tough.

The hardest part of all this was that she was not ready to die as was determined to live. It seems everything that should have helped her instead failed her.

I’ve racked my brains to figure out what went wrong, what was missed and what should have been done.

Kitty always bounced back from her vomiting episodes. But this time the vomiting was different as she just stopped eating altogether but otherwise was acting normal – just a little upset stomach for a short time that one day of vomiting and then was fine. That’s why I believe the vomiting caused potassium loss which was the reason she was refusing to eat.

When I first went to the vet on that Friday, she never mentioned a potassium supplement and didn’t come up with enough solutions. My cat was acting fine at that time but must have had potassium loss because afterwards started having muscle weakness.

She basically only had the two symptoms – loss of appetite and muscle weakness – which I have been researching and it points toward hypokalemia that led to her death. This is something that is treatable with potassium. For severe hypokalemia would require iv fluids with a higher dose of potassium to reverse the muscle weakness.

I cannot believe her life was lost for something that could have been easily treated. Who to blame and how to live with that?

I blame myself that I didn’t do enough to find out the reason for the appetite loss and for not pushing the vet to do more to help her on that Friday. But especially on that Monday she needed a big shove to act fast because time was running out.

After she died, the vet chalked it up to she probably was at the end of her life and there likely wasn’t anything that could have been done to significantly change the outcome. I don’t know if she was trying to reassure me – or herself – just because she failed to figure out a solution for her appetite loss from the vomiting episode.

I don’t believe Kitty was at the end of her life, maybe it was months, a year or even more. Till the end she was still trying to do things and not just laying there waiting to die.

But died she did and my heart is totally broken.

And I cannot forgive myself.

Vets failed my cat. Should never have involved more than one vet.

Although the holistic vet’s approach was gentle and working with me than against me, I found with most vets is just a business and they are more about the money than animal welfare. Are misdiagnosing – specifically my cat – and wanting to do unnecessary tests or risky invasive procedures when should be taking the time to do the extra detective work to find simpler solutions since many conditions mimic each other and you have to do biopsies to confirm.

Vets don’t know as much as they think they know about cats and that can lead to errors which can cost them their lives. Is not black or white with cats as there are many grey areas. If the cat all of a sudden loses their appetite, you have to find out what caused it so you can get the appropriate treatment in time.

In my cat’s case, the vomiting must have brought her potassium levels down that caused her loss of appetite and from there needed potassium in the right dose to correct it. Until you get them back to eating on their own you have to force feed them. It doesn’t mean they are dying just because they stopped eating.

The holistic vet, in the end, instead of looking at natural treatments to help my cat, did a 180 and started to go toward pharmaceutical drugs like steroids as a last ditch effort which wasn’t going to help anyway since seems was a nutritional deficiency. I mean the potassium electrolyte supplement would have certainly helped if had been started sooner than the Monday – when it dawned on her – as Kitty’s symptoms got more severe. She probably should have always been on a potassium supplement as part of her health regime but no vet ever mentioned it and I found out about it too late.

Prior to, I also had been looking into the slippery elm herb to try for her. I wished she had already been on it as that could have helped too. I did mention it to the vet on that Friday but she was hesitant as said some herbs could cause vomiting. But since it does have anti-nausea and anti-inflammatory properties, it was worth trying.

I’m paying vets tons of money to give me answers. Certainly they should know all the reasons why a cat stopped eating after vomiting since they examine and diagnose animals on a daily basis. I shouldn’t have to be doing the research for them as am the worried cat parent frantically looking for a treatment to help her. If the vet had taken it more serious that Friday to thoroughly come up with solutions to get her back on track, Kitty would be here today – that is absolutely for sure.

The previous month she was seen by 4 different vets who each added their own spin which ended up putting her life at risk. The worst experience I ever had that caused her unnecessary stress, was treated like a specimen and could have died. Just shows how strong she was if could survive all that.

Emergency vet clinics especially are the worst and I would never take any animal to one after my bad experience with two of them. I would recommend to every pet owner, screen your vet and stick to one good one if you find. They have to work with you not against you. Question things, do your own research and don’t just go along if it’s going to cause harm to your pet. Weigh all the pros and cons. They don’t know everything and can lead you in the wrong direction because they always need a biopsy to confirm – that is the honest truth.

I know there will be people saying she lived a long life – over 17 years – and to take comfort in that. But if her life was cut short due to human errors, then that does not make it comforting at all.

My cat was on the brink of death before and survived.

Kitty was a timid and scared cat since she was a kitten. Didn’t take to strangers. A doorbell ringing or any loud noise would make her run and hide. Over the years I calmed her down and helped her to be more confident. She opened herself and trusted me.

I never planned to have a cat but circumstances made our lives come together. She needed me and I needed her – more than I even realized.

Kitty was also a very determined and resilient cat. She’s been on the brink of death before and miraculously survived. Before I took ownership of her 14 years ago, she got lost for 3 months and was found on a wintry day – during  the coldest week of -30 frigid weather – with an injury and barely hanging on to life. Good samaritans rushed her to the veterinary hospital in time. She went through 2 surgeries but both failed as the wound opened again. So I spent many months healing her injury and nursing her back to health.

Because of that ordeal she went through, I was very protective and took extra care of her.

On top of the daily intense sadness I’ve been feeling over her death, I feel so much guilt that I let her down when she needed me the most. In over a course of a week it took before she died, I had time to get her out of this crisis. What went wrong?

Why could I have not nursed her back to health this time? She still had a strong will to live. But the vet missed things. I missed things when I always all these months have been on top of her health, researching things to help her.

She went through worse things the previous month and survived. So I can’t understand why all of a sudden she stopped eating and started to decline when had improved significantly.

Even though I cannot change anything, I still in my mind want to know what caused her death and what should have been done to prevent it.

Saddest loss of all is no longer being seen through such loving eyes.

Kitty was more than a cat as had human and dog-like traits too. She knew the word “sit” from when she was little and would do on command. She used to run to greet me at the door, even half asleep from a nap. Who needed a dog when you had an enthusiastic greeter like her?  She used to sit on her cushion in the kitchen when it was time to cook dinner and waited patiently (and not so at times) for her favorite food (chicken) to be done. If I was late in starting dinner, she would come and remind me.

When it was time to go to sleep, I would say “bedtime” and she would automatically go to her bed. And she used to show affection by kissing me on my forehead. She loved to sunbathe and was always looking for a sunny spot. In the wintertime, she used to sit on the heat register when the furnace turned on to warm herself up. She was also good at swatting flies on the window. Who needed a fly swatter when you had her. She didn’t kill them just knock them out a little. Then I would take them outside and they would fly away.

I miss the soothing sound of her purr. I miss her sweet meows. I miss hugging her. I miss petting her soft fur. I miss how she stared at me with her beautiful eyes. I miss her being the first face I see in the morning and the last one I see at night. I miss cooking chicken for her. I miss grooming her even when her fur was matted. I miss taking her out in the yard for fresh air. I miss cleaning her litter. I just miss her period. Please let this be a bad dream I can wake up from to find she’s still here.

No there wasn’t a cat like her and will never be. I will miss all the things about her that made her so special and the only cat for me.